Joy and Grief

How do I even begin?...

We'll start with my blessing and my praise. Today I was blessed because not only did it rain for more than 5 minutes, IT POURED!!!! For about two hours, it just poured! Thank you, God :) It was perfect for the activity I chose to pursue today...cleaning/organizing the pantry/toy closet! I love to organize. Of course, the kids have already not put things back in the correct place, but that is life! lol. Tomorrow I will be getting some organizers for the clothing, towels, and bedding. I am so excited! Did I mention I love organizing? ;)
My praise is that as I was cleaning out all my suitcases, guess what I found that I thought was taken? THE CD PLAYER :) I was THRILLED! Now the Baby Home can have a cd player for the babies to sleep or to play freeze dance during the day. And yes, we will be playing freeze dance this week and winners WILL be getting candy. It's on!

Now the part where words just don't seem enough. I will do my best to explain my Facebook status that I posted this evening. But first, let me start with scripture:

Revelation 21:4-5:

⁴ ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’^[a] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

⁵ He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

Romans 14:8:
 If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

"Mama Derik!" Shamie yelled frantically. She began speaking extremely fast in her language so I could not begin to understand what was being said, but I knew something was wrong. I asked Derik's mom what Shamie said. She said, "They found a baby. Dead in the trash." My heart sank. They asked if I was gonna go see. At first I said no. I didn't want to see a dead baby. But then I thought, "What if they are wrong? What if it's still alive?" I grabbed a towel just in case it was alive and I needed to take it home. I made the muddy trek to the supposed place of the scene where a crowd had gathered. Shamie said "God will punish her!" speaking of the mother who abandoned the baby. Yes, she will face consequences for her actions. Murder. But we also serve a God who extends grace and forgiveness. Upon arriving at the scene, I looked around unable to identify a baby at first. When the crown pointed the body out to me I pushed everyone out of my way and looked closely. Still. Pale. Lifeless. Grief overcame me and I could not speak. This kind of thing happens in the United States, I know. Babies left in trash cans. But I have never experienced it. I was shocked. Here I am. Staring at a lifeless body. Unwanted. Uncared for. So many things rushed through my head. "Who would do this? How could someone not want their baby? Why couldn't they have brought it to me? I'm volunteering at an Orphanage for heaven's sake!! What am I supposed to do? Do I bury it? Do I leave it here? No! I can't do that. How morbid?! Who in their right mind leaves a dead baby to rot on a trash pile? I wouldn't be able to live with myself. It needs a proper burial." So I took the towel I had brought with me and wrapped the body inside it. "Don't cry, Nicole." It felt as if it was a big show, but I knew it couldn't be. Certainly they wouldn't be that disrespectful. Just curious about what it looks like. "No, you may not see the baby," I told them. I had wrapped it up. That was enough. They didn't need to look at it anymore. The people began telling me I need to take it to the police. It was getting dark and as a white girl I'm not supposed to be out after dark. Think, Nicole, Think. Do you go to the police? It's getting dark. But I have to. I don't have a choice. And where would I bury it anyway? One of my new friends and Eva went with me on a motorcycle to the police station. Definitely behind the times. Anyway, after we explained the situation and I gave a statement, I was informed we had to take the baby to the hospital and put it in the morgue to be looked at in the morning. As I rode with Eva in the back of the police truck, I held the baby wrapped in a towel. My mind started playing tricks on me. Wait, is he breathing? Do I feel a pulse? No. That would be my hands shaking and my pulse beating inside my fingers. The body was cold. Lifeless. As we took one more look at the body, I left it in a building that reeked off decay, on a shelf, to be looked at and buried in the morning. I was asked if I would be at the burial. "I'm not sure I could handle that." I got in the front seat of the truck with Eva. I asked the driver, "Did I do the right thing? Would others have done what I did? Wrap the body and take it to the police?" He said the Ugandans are afraid of that kind of thing. It is sad that people think if they don't want a baby they can just kill it or leave it for dead. He reassured me that I did the right thing. "God will bless you for what you did." My heart still sank. A million things rushed through my head on the ride home. After I washed my muddy feet, I went to my room and cried. And cried. And cried. "God, why would someone do that? How could someone leave their baby to die? Why would you let the Devil put fear in that mother's heart that made her think her only option was to leave it for dead? Why couldn't she have taken the baby to me?..." Many more questions and cries of anguish were sent heavenward. The last thing I did before composing myself to sit with Mercy and Eva was pray that even though that mother will face consequences for her action, whether they find her and put her in jail or never find her, that she would hear of what I did and God would convict her heart so that she needs to talk to someone. Me or someone else (but especially me). That she would come to the Baby Home and I would be able to show her JESUS. Although my heart is broken that she would do that to her baby, I know that sweet baby boy is in Jesus' arms right now. No more pain. No more tears. But that mother...I hope is dealing with some serious guilt. Who better to comfort her than Jesus Christ Himself. The One who shows grace and forgiveness and whose blood covers over a multitude of sins. Thank you Jesus for Your loving arms, to hold a baby AND the mother who gave him up. I don't want to have to experience this again...but I will. If that's what God wants me to do so that these babies get a proper burial, I will. If God wants to use them as witnessing opportunities, I will. Here am I, Lord; Send me.

Miracle Baby

John. Sweet, precious little John. In the month that I’ve been here he has grown so much! When I first came he could not hold his pacifier, his rattle, or his bottle. Now he is doing all three each to a different degree! I was talking to Mercy and she said that when John first came to the Baby Home, he never stretched out his arms, legs, or fingers. Now he is all over the place. Although he cannot crawl yet, his legs and arms are getting stronger. As I do a little physical therapy with him or have him stand on my legs while holding his arms, he proves to be a growing little man J The other day, he actually reached out and grabbed the giraffe hanging on his bouncy seat. I look at this precious baby and think “God, I was afraid that this 4 lb little guy wasn’t gonna make it before I got to meet him. Not only is he now 11lbs. but he is strengthening, and has so many little smiles and laughs and cuddles to give! It has been such an honor and a blessing to watch him grow in just this little time.” He has conquered malaria while I have been here and I believe is now battling teething. If I could adopt him and take him back to America, I would; but unless I live in Uganda for another 3 years, I cannot do that. So I will love and support him in other ways J Can’t wait to spend the next month with him before I leave!

A Hospital, A Taxi, A Church, and The Children

Hospital Visit:

It broke my heart to go to the hospital and sit in a waiting hall of lots of babies who were sick. Some had IVs, some were coughing, some with infections and some extremely lethargic. The child I was with was diagnosed with some sort of infection on his head and a hernia. They would not treat the hernia because he was too young and it may come back. They gave him an antibiotic and a pain killer. While I was waiting, a woman thrust her baby at me and said she would be back. At that point I started praying she really would be back. If I was left with a baby I wouldn’t exactly know what to do other than take it back to the orphanage. I lifted the blanket off the baby’s face to see a very deformed head. My heart was crushed! This sweet baby was tiny and frail. I prayed that God would help that baby, whatever his condition, to feel handsome and loved all his life. I then prayed for healing on all the other children waiting in the hall. The medical facility was not much but they do their best with what they have.

Taxi Ride to Jinja:

I am no expert at choosing taxi vans. They are all trying to get passengers first. But if the van is not full you sit and wait til it is. But I enjoyed the experience even with a long wait. Since I had a baby strapped to me I got to sit up front. The taxi stops and picks up/drops off people along the way to Jinja. The taxi holds about 14 people.

Jinja Community Church of Faith:

We were supposed to go to Acacia Community Church, but no one in Jinja knew where that was and I forgot to write it down. We ended up going to Jinja Community Church of Faith. I was the only mzunga there. The message was preached in English and translated to Lugandan, but the singing was all in Lugandan. Here is what I witnessed: I saw a church that had a total of 5 outdated microphones, three of which had cords. The sound system consisted of two speakers. The band was the sound man playing a drum beat and chords on a keyboard. No one complained about the music being too loud. No one complained about what songs were played. No one complained about the sermon being long. The worship leader didn’t tell people how to worship, making them raise their hands or spin around. Everyone worshipped in their own way. Some sat still, some raised their hands, the choir danced, some yipped and others just sang…and it was ok! But what I noticed most was the overwhelming sense of God’s presence. It wasn’t about show or pleasing people like it so often feels like in America. Here they don’t worry about what others will think or how many people showed up that day. We are so political about how we run churches in America today. I cannot remember the last time I was overwhelmed by God’s presence in my worship service at home like I was at this sweet little church in Jinja, Uganda. Because they have so little here and are thankful for what they have, those issues aren’t present. They focus on one thing- worshipping God. We have lost that I’m afraid. We spoiled Americans make it so much more difficult than it has to be. I am appreciative of what we have at my home church. But I almost wish we didn’t have all that we do. It feels as if people spend more time complaining than praising. Even as a member of the praise team, there are days I get bogged down in all the technicalities and fail to just worship. Even though I couldn’t understand what they were saying in this song service, you could see the hearts of worship these people had and I couldn’t help but to close my eyes, raise my hands and just praise along with them. If I could fly to Uganda every Sunday, I would.

Children:

Today I set my laptop on the front porch and a bunch of kids came and huddled around it to watch a movie. It was the cutest thing ever! Next time I’m gonna get a picture. We were just too tired from our trip to Jinja that day so we sent all the kids home.

Eva started school today J She was so excited! She came home all smiles. While Eva was at school, little Eva, Joseph, and I watched Ratatouille.

Like vs. Dislike

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT UGANDA:

1. Ice Cream
2. Potato Chips
3. Green Apple Soda
4. Motorcycles
5. The children meet no stranger and they want to say Hi to the mzunga (white person) 100x as she walks by their house and say Goodbye 100x as she walks away. The same thing happens as she walks the opposite direction coming back from town lol :)
6. Pineapples
7. Shiv Shyam Supermarket and the sweet people who work there,
8. Using my debit card at the ATM
9. The children love to dance and sing :)
10. Kwagala Baby Home and ALL the blessings inside (Big and Small)
11. The God I serve in America is the same wonderful God I serve in Uganda
12. Due to walking, not eating a whole lot, and not having meat, I have lost weight!
13. Rice
14. 24 hour Doctors Office to test John for Malaria
15. Hearing Drums and singing at 1am
16. Thomas the Tank Engine Memory Game
17. Giant Coloring Books
18. Security Guard at Baby Home
19. Security Guard *who doesn't propose to me* at the ATM
20. The lovely people at the Internet store
21. The Swivel fan
22. Geckos that eat the bugs and don't come in my bed :)
23. Mosquito nets that work as long as my arm isn't touching the net in the middle of my sleep
24. Did I mention that the same God who hears my prayers in America is the same God that hears my prayers in Uganda? :)
25. Eva getting into Primary 2!!!
26. Many people speak English and they teach English in school
27. Cheap charcoal for cooking
28. Cheap bottled water
29. Children like Derik and little Eva who give the best hugs!!
30. Children like Nuubu who are shy but have the sweetest smiles :) and read in English very well
31. Children like Isima and Asllam who leave a HUGE impression on your heart in just a short time
32. Mercy's hard work
33. Eva's love for shoes, singing, and movies
34. John's growing little body
35. Did I mention children like Derik and little Eva who give the best hugs?
36. Did I also mention that the same God who wipes away my tears in America wipes them away in Uganda as well?
37. The same God who longs to have a relationship with me in America calls out to me in Uganda
38. The same God who knows what my future holds in America also knows what my future holds while I'm in Uganda
39. The same God who loves to hear me sing praises to Him in America loves it even more when I'm singing praises to Him after crying in Uganda
40. No matter where I am, what I'm doing, how I'm feeling, or why I'm calling out to Him, God is here in Uganda just as much as He is there in America :)

THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT UGANDA:

1. The beautiful African rain only lasts like....5 minutes! Why not 5 HOURS????
2. Whether they brush their teeth or not, 99% of them have beautiful white smiles. It's not fair!
3. The mosquitos are 10x as vicious!
4. My family being halfway across the world. They should be here in Uganda with me
5. Not having my camera to take pictures of these beautiful people because someone at one of the airports thought they needed my camera more than I did! I hope it broke on them....
6. There is no squirt cheese to replenish my supply lol
7. No Wendy's Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers
8. No pizza
9. Did I mention that the rain only lasts like...5 mins!!!!
10. The loud metal doors when John is sleeping...not anymore! ha.
11. Security Guards who propose to you at the ATM........smh.

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED READING :) !!!!!

I'm Just Waiting... :)

Hey Everybody!

It's been a few days since I've posted a blog, but my mind has been thinking! I titled this blog "I'm just waiting" because ever since I let Eva borrow my iPod last night she's been singing "Average Girl" by BarlowGirl in which the chorus is "no more dating, I'm just waiting like sleeping beauty my prince will come for me..." She walks around with earphones in singing (very loudly I might add) "No more dating, I'm just waiting..." This morning I looked at the iPod while she was singing and it was on "I'm Bringing home a baby bumble bee" but she was still singing "no more dating, I'm just waiting" haha it cracks me up!!!!! Also speaking of waiting, we went to the bank this morning and while waiting for the ATM to get loaded, the security guard asked me if Eva was my first born and I said no. she's my friend Then he asked me if I was married and I said no. THAT WAS MY FIRST MISTAKE! I should have lied and said yes. Hind sight is always 20/20 haha. Then he asked if I would marry him and we could make babies (this is after he already told me he has a child). I laughed and said no and that I want someone from America. He must think that there are no black people in America because he pointed to his skin and said this color is good! lol I touched Eva's arm and said I know it is good. I love this color, but I want someone from America (A certain one in particular). After asking me to marry him a couple more times, he finally realized that I was NOT going to marry him. He may already be married. They practice polygamy here. If that is the case, then definitely no :)

Some people have asked about John. He is doing a little better, but not as well as I would like. Of course, I don't know how long it takes to shake Malaria. My head cold seems to be getting worse despite my efforts to lay low and get well quickly. I didn't sleep well last night :/

I have a couple things I've been praying about besides John and I getting better. I've been praying that God quickly provides $4,000 for Emily's plane ticket. There are orphans ready to come here but they cannot until she gets back. Let's not keep them waiting!!!! Also, I have been praying for my wonderful future husband, whoever he may be. I have been praying about my job situation and what I may be doing when I get back in the States a month from now.

Most importantly, I have been praying that my life will never be the same. I want God to use me in EVERY way possible, here in Uganda and back home. I want to be His hands, feet, voice, and love to all those He places in my life. I don't want to be selfish and think I deserve the best or better than what I have. I want to be grateful for the little things AND the big things. I don't want this to be a one time experience of humility and crying out to God. I want this to be a DAILY thing, a MOMENT-by-MOMENT thing. I want to be the Woman that God delights in calling His Own. I want to be the Woman that makes the Devil shake in his boots when my feet hit the floor in the morning. I want him to have to say "Oh no! She's awake! Quick boys! Man your stations. This is WAR! We can't let God win today. Don't give up. We can't let Him have her...AGAIN!" That's the Woman I want to be. I want my life to be a reflection of JESUS. This is a CRAZY, BOLD prayer. Who on earth ASKS the devil to wage war? Who ASKS for a spiritual battle everyday? I DO. Because you know what? Every day that I don't ask for it, is the day that I think I don't need God. It's the day that I think I've got it under control...and that's exactly what the Devil wants. He isn't threatened when we think "I've got this." He isn't threatened when we aren't following after the Heart of God. And that, my friends, is a SCARY place to be. Is that what we want? Easy lives? No spiritual warfare? Just coasting along thinking we have it under control. Oh no, Christian. Every day should be a battle that the Devil just can't win. One of my favorite verses is Exodus 14:14. The Israelites had just left Egypt and were having to cross the Red Sea. God had just delivered them and they were afraid because the Egyptians were coming after them and they felt hopeless. Moses tells them that "The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." That has so been me. God delivers me from the fear and doubt that the Devil has thrown at me and the next week I come crying out to God again, "Oh no God! The Devil is attacking me and I don't know what to do!!!" I will fight for you, Nicole. You need only BE STILL. The song "Be Still" by Kari Jobe is the most played song on my iPod. Over 200 times! Because I constantly need that reminder that I am not alone and if I just BE STILL and wait on God, HE WILL FIGHT FOR ME! Isn't God good?! It blows my mind that God cares that much! :) He has been working mightily on my heart. I have so much to say and not the words to say it. Let's ask for WAR. Because we already know who's gonna win :)

A Grateful Heart

June 13, 2013

The past few days have been great, but exhausting. I have had the daunting, yet exciting adventure of visiting different schools for Eva. We finally decided (Emily, Eva, and I) that Mercy will teach her English for the remainder of this term and then she will go to Christian School the next term. While Eva and I were out searching for schools, we rode a motorcycle that they call a jbouda or something like that. It was so soothing! After all our school visits, we stopped at the super market so I could get water and apples. But while I was there, I decided why not try some potato chips and ice cream?! J So we did. And I got this Green Apple Soda…it was so good. The best lunch EVER J

Today, we talked to a few children in the village. I spent most of my day looking after John, who has a fever and possibly Malaria, and reading “The Rescue” by Nicholas Sparks while Eva and Mercy ran some errands in town. John’s fever fluctuates. We have to watch him tonight and determine whether to take him to the doctor tomorrow or not. At this point, it’s looking like we’ll need to take him first thing in the morning. There are moments when panic rushes through my veins as I look at him and think “Is he breathing?!” Just then I’ll see his chest slowly rise and fall, allowing relief to come over me. Thankfully, he isn’t more fussy, but he is more chatty making baby sounds with his mouth.

I have so many mosquito bites that I’ve stopped counting and just started taking Benedryl at night. That way it not only will hopefully take away some of the itching, but I’m not up all hours of the night either J Thank you Lord! I’m also praising God for the constant cool breeze that blows through the living room as we keep the windows open during the day. Definitely grateful for the potato chips, ice cream, and green apple soda! Praising God for another day without crying. Praising God that we have Tylenol for John and that he is still alive for me to take care of. Thanking God for the food I have, like the char-grilled cinnamon toast I experienced today. And the clean water He provides. Thanking God for money to pay bills. And Grateful to God that He hears my cries for help, my pleas for healing, and my requests for His mercy, grace, love, and forgiveness. I love you, Lord. May Your praise and scripture forever be on my lips!

 

The verse I repeat to myself over and over and over each day: Psalm 63:1 “O God, You are my God. Earnestly I seek you. My soul thirsts for you; my body longs for you in a dry and weary land where there is no water.”

The Lord's Day

I went to bed last night with a headache, itching, aching, and a queasy stomach. I ate well yesterday, but something felt yucky inside. A few hours later I woke up fine but still itching and aching. I called home and got to talk to my sweet Daddy for a little while. Then I went to Mercy and relieved her from taking care of John so she could sleep. As is becoming usual, it was 1am and Auntie Nicole was wide awake for no reason. I use those wide awake hours to pray, read, and play solitaire on my ipod hoping it will lull me to sleep. It usually does...5 hours later! Ha.

This morning I was able to spend some "alone" time. I listened to last weeks' sermon on The Holy Spirit and The Church. It was powerful! http://fbcna.org/messages.php. Then I was able to spend 2 hours, just me, John, God, and Kari Jobe :)Eva and Mercy were in town. I took a video of John singing with me and Kari. It was precious! Now that it's 12:30pm here I will go get cleaned up and dressed for the day.

Last night, I realized I have 40 days left here in Uganda to do God's Work (James 1:27). I am committing to spend these 40 days with the focus of PRAYER. Prayer for healing, safety, provision, miracles. You name it. I'll be praying for it. Specifically for the children at the orphanage, but also for myself and other people in my life. I love you all. Thank you for praying with me! It's been one week exactly since I've cried! Praise the Lord!

Mark 11:24- "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

Love and African Blessings,
Nicole