Joy and Grief

How do I even begin?...

We'll start with my blessing and my praise. Today I was blessed because not only did it rain for more than 5 minutes, IT POURED!!!! For about two hours, it just poured! Thank you, God :) It was perfect for the activity I chose to pursue today...cleaning/organizing the pantry/toy closet! I love to organize. Of course, the kids have already not put things back in the correct place, but that is life! lol. Tomorrow I will be getting some organizers for the clothing, towels, and bedding. I am so excited! Did I mention I love organizing? ;)
My praise is that as I was cleaning out all my suitcases, guess what I found that I thought was taken? THE CD PLAYER :) I was THRILLED! Now the Baby Home can have a cd player for the babies to sleep or to play freeze dance during the day. And yes, we will be playing freeze dance this week and winners WILL be getting candy. It's on!

Now the part where words just don't seem enough. I will do my best to explain my Facebook status that I posted this evening. But first, let me start with scripture:

Revelation 21:4-5:

⁴ ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’^[a] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

⁵ He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

Romans 14:8:
 If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

"Mama Derik!" Shamie yelled frantically. She began speaking extremely fast in her language so I could not begin to understand what was being said, but I knew something was wrong. I asked Derik's mom what Shamie said. She said, "They found a baby. Dead in the trash." My heart sank. They asked if I was gonna go see. At first I said no. I didn't want to see a dead baby. But then I thought, "What if they are wrong? What if it's still alive?" I grabbed a towel just in case it was alive and I needed to take it home. I made the muddy trek to the supposed place of the scene where a crowd had gathered. Shamie said "God will punish her!" speaking of the mother who abandoned the baby. Yes, she will face consequences for her actions. Murder. But we also serve a God who extends grace and forgiveness. Upon arriving at the scene, I looked around unable to identify a baby at first. When the crown pointed the body out to me I pushed everyone out of my way and looked closely. Still. Pale. Lifeless. Grief overcame me and I could not speak. This kind of thing happens in the United States, I know. Babies left in trash cans. But I have never experienced it. I was shocked. Here I am. Staring at a lifeless body. Unwanted. Uncared for. So many things rushed through my head. "Who would do this? How could someone not want their baby? Why couldn't they have brought it to me? I'm volunteering at an Orphanage for heaven's sake!! What am I supposed to do? Do I bury it? Do I leave it here? No! I can't do that. How morbid?! Who in their right mind leaves a dead baby to rot on a trash pile? I wouldn't be able to live with myself. It needs a proper burial." So I took the towel I had brought with me and wrapped the body inside it. "Don't cry, Nicole." It felt as if it was a big show, but I knew it couldn't be. Certainly they wouldn't be that disrespectful. Just curious about what it looks like. "No, you may not see the baby," I told them. I had wrapped it up. That was enough. They didn't need to look at it anymore. The people began telling me I need to take it to the police. It was getting dark and as a white girl I'm not supposed to be out after dark. Think, Nicole, Think. Do you go to the police? It's getting dark. But I have to. I don't have a choice. And where would I bury it anyway? One of my new friends and Eva went with me on a motorcycle to the police station. Definitely behind the times. Anyway, after we explained the situation and I gave a statement, I was informed we had to take the baby to the hospital and put it in the morgue to be looked at in the morning. As I rode with Eva in the back of the police truck, I held the baby wrapped in a towel. My mind started playing tricks on me. Wait, is he breathing? Do I feel a pulse? No. That would be my hands shaking and my pulse beating inside my fingers. The body was cold. Lifeless. As we took one more look at the body, I left it in a building that reeked off decay, on a shelf, to be looked at and buried in the morning. I was asked if I would be at the burial. "I'm not sure I could handle that." I got in the front seat of the truck with Eva. I asked the driver, "Did I do the right thing? Would others have done what I did? Wrap the body and take it to the police?" He said the Ugandans are afraid of that kind of thing. It is sad that people think if they don't want a baby they can just kill it or leave it for dead. He reassured me that I did the right thing. "God will bless you for what you did." My heart still sank. A million things rushed through my head on the ride home. After I washed my muddy feet, I went to my room and cried. And cried. And cried. "God, why would someone do that? How could someone leave their baby to die? Why would you let the Devil put fear in that mother's heart that made her think her only option was to leave it for dead? Why couldn't she have taken the baby to me?..." Many more questions and cries of anguish were sent heavenward. The last thing I did before composing myself to sit with Mercy and Eva was pray that even though that mother will face consequences for her action, whether they find her and put her in jail or never find her, that she would hear of what I did and God would convict her heart so that she needs to talk to someone. Me or someone else (but especially me). That she would come to the Baby Home and I would be able to show her JESUS. Although my heart is broken that she would do that to her baby, I know that sweet baby boy is in Jesus' arms right now. No more pain. No more tears. But that mother...I hope is dealing with some serious guilt. Who better to comfort her than Jesus Christ Himself. The One who shows grace and forgiveness and whose blood covers over a multitude of sins. Thank you Jesus for Your loving arms, to hold a baby AND the mother who gave him up. I don't want to have to experience this again...but I will. If that's what God wants me to do so that these babies get a proper burial, I will. If God wants to use them as witnessing opportunities, I will. Here am I, Lord; Send me.